I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
