I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
