Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
