My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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