You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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