Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
