I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
what is it with giant penises always finding me
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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