I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
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