i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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