You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
