new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
