Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
