Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
love makes seman taste better
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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