Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
