sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
