If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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