mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
