a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
