I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
