We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The Olympian is in my bed
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
