The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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