Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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