Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
