Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
