I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
