just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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