I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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