Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Drunk is a universal language darling
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