Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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