Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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