Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
