why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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