ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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