she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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