update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
