ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
