I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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