You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
