I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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