just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
