Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
