You just made me feel so damn special
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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