the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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