She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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