1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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