Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.