Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?