He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
