another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
