Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he thought i was a dude.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
