i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
