just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
