My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
