ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
