i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
