i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
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The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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