and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
well I can't set my house on fire every night
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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