Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
