he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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