Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
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Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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