either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
