last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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